Two Weeks After

Its been two weeks since I threw away my last 3 accutane pills. And since I was in the desert and suffering from crazy eczema, and hiking in the desert drinking a gallon plus of water a day, I didn't feel bad skipping out on a day and half of accutane.

Things are going well. My energy is good. My skin is good. Joints are getting better. Brain is still improving.

Most importantly, occasionally I am thinking of myself as someone who doesn't get acne. Having acne was such a constant thing, then all the acne medications were something that needed my attention, now occasionally, I think/worry about my skin, but then I don't need to. So much will be freed up if this treatment continues to work.

The dermatologist gave me some cleanser and told me not to moisturize my face unless its dry. He said there's too much moisturizing going on under false information, and that this topic should be on Oprah. So I'm cleaning my face really for the first time in 6mo. I used to just use a wash cloth to get all the dead skin off.

My desert eczema is clearing up since we go back from the southwest. I was diagnosed with Polymorphous Light Eruption. This is the most fun to say ailment I've ever been diagnosed with. Say it out loud. You'll enjoy it. Basically, I'm allergic to the sun. Ha!

New Skin! {early month 4}

Today is an encouraging day. Today is the day my skin feels new.

When I started treatment, Julia said not to do anything to my skin I wouldn't do to a newborn. She basically said that Accutane was going to give me new skin, and today it feels like that. The skin on my face and the back of my hands feel especially new. Its amazing. Its amazing that I noticed it just like that, in one day.

There are still marks, scars, and skin discoloration but I treat that with bleaching cream prescribed to me. Not something I'd put on a newborn, but Julia said it was ok.

Frustrated- beginning of 4th month

This weekend I had some emotional break downs. I succumbed to feeling ok and getting lazy with action.

For a while I was feeling optimistic with only 2 months to go, past the 1/2 way mark! But this weekend I was like, "How can I do this for another 2 months?"

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of condoms. I'm tired of my skin hurting, and not wanting to shower. And why am I having pimples now, when I didn't earlier in the treatment.

Don't call it a come back! (please) end of month 3

In the past two weeks I've been getting some pimples, one cyst, and it seems like the blackheads are budding. Whats going on?! Are they figuring out how to survive in this harsh accutane tundra, or is this the last of the stuff hiding deep below?

I have been feeling somewhat better in the past couple weeks too. Not like I am going to ride my bike to work, like I so desperately want, but not like I feel like I'm falling apart. Maybe I had an actual cold before.

Starting Monday

I will start taking Accutane on Monday.

But the challenges began a month ago when I had to join the FDA mandated ipledge program, in which I pledge not to get pregnant. Accutane causes serious birth defects. So being a woman of child bearing capabilities I must pledge to use TWO forms of birth control, for one month before I even begin accutane, meaning one hormonal and one barrier. I've been married to my lovely husband Michael for almost four years, and using a condom has been challenging for both of us. Hopefully it will result in more creativity and humor, but currently it feels frustrating. What is additionally frustrating is that even though I was given a book to read on how to use and choose two forms of birth control, it did not truly inform me of any drug interaction between accutane and hormonal contraception. I feel like this program is a scare tactic, when I would prefer being informed.

Accutane also threatens its users with depression, of which I am no stranger. After practicing sitting meditation for nearly three years, I have felt confident of my abilities to thwart off depression with great ease. This confidence resulted in me not meditating everyday, which has resulted in a resurgence of impatience, irritability, and anger. In preparation for this treatment, I have once again been meditating everyday, and I am meeting regularly with my meditation instructor at The Shambhala Mediation Center. I will use the discipline of meditation to keep a watchful eye on my mood.

So before the accutance has even started, I feel as though I am in a battle and I am preparing for more. What I took as good news from my doctor is that all of the bad symptoms will happen in the first month. So I feel like if I can handle the first month, I will be able to handle all five!

Accutane works in many ways, and while I'm on it my skin, nose, eyes, everything will be very dry. I have started collecting a kit of lubrications, but I should be more prepared. I should have travel and domestic versions of all the moisturizers I'll need.

At my last appointment, where they took my blood, my doctor greeted me by asking if I was ready to have acne free skin? She said I shouldn't do anything to my skin that wouldn't be done to a new born baby. I am getting new skin! For so many years, I though my acne would clear up. I thought I am too old to have this, so it will go away. I thought and heard from others that it wasn't that bad, but it was. It was really bad. Last year when I started on antibiotics and my skin became clear, I could tell people treated me differently, even Michael. And now, if this is successful, I will have clear skin. Not for the five months of treatment, but for all time after.