Two Weeks After

Its been two weeks since I threw away my last 3 accutane pills. And since I was in the desert and suffering from crazy eczema, and hiking in the desert drinking a gallon plus of water a day, I didn't feel bad skipping out on a day and half of accutane.

Things are going well. My energy is good. My skin is good. Joints are getting better. Brain is still improving.

Most importantly, occasionally I am thinking of myself as someone who doesn't get acne. Having acne was such a constant thing, then all the acne medications were something that needed my attention, now occasionally, I think/worry about my skin, but then I don't need to. So much will be freed up if this treatment continues to work.

The dermatologist gave me some cleanser and told me not to moisturize my face unless its dry. He said there's too much moisturizing going on under false information, and that this topic should be on Oprah. So I'm cleaning my face really for the first time in 6mo. I used to just use a wash cloth to get all the dead skin off.

My desert eczema is clearing up since we go back from the southwest. I was diagnosed with Polymorphous Light Eruption. This is the most fun to say ailment I've ever been diagnosed with. Say it out loud. You'll enjoy it. Basically, I'm allergic to the sun. Ha!

35 days left-blood test-absorption

I went for my blood test at the end of my 5th month today. I am going to take an additional month of accutane, 6 months total. I feel pretty down in the dumps about it. Although I know its what I should do since I've continued to get some cysts, but I'm not optimistic that this additional month will cure me so that I don't need a second treatment. I guess I just hope that it delays a second treatment.

For the past couple weeks, I've been taking my accutane with oil, which helps with its absorption, which I just learned. I am having a resurgence of side effects. I feel so tired, achy, and kinda down in the dumps. I am going to take a nap today, which I haven't needed for over a month.

Looking back on my treatment, this has been really hard. I think while it was happening, I didn't really appreciate how bad it was making me feel, especially emotionally. Looking back at the winter, I'm surprised it went as well as it did. I guess I'm lucky.

It feels really hard to generate the energy and motivation to get through this last month.

Bad News- Blood Test 5

I had my 5th blood test today, and it was supposed to be my last. But since I've had few cysts on my back over the past 2 months, it probably won't be. Julia said I shouldn't be getting any more cysts at this point in my treatment. If I don't get anymore cysts this month it might be my last month, other wise it'll be another month- 6 months total. I told her I would be happy to go for another month if I knew it would help prevent needing a second treatment in the future. She said that her and Dr. Berk didn't really know if an additional month had any effect on the need for future treatments.

So deep in this bad news is more bad news. Not only do I think I will be on accutane for another month, but I also think I will need another treatment, like my cousin did.

This bad news has been really hard. I've been trying to not (re)act to and not suppress my emotions. Its a new thing I am working on. Although I can say the advice in my head like a mantra, its actionable execution is questionable. I do know on some level that I am fortunate that this treatment is available to me.

And at the heart of this bad news is the end of my waiting. Knowing that I will be on this for not only a month longer then I thought, but probably an additional treatment at some point in the future means I can't wait for it to be over to get on with my life. I need to figure out how to exercise and have energy which will help my mood. I think the rhodiola has really been helping, and the gentle yoga I've been doing and springtime!

Yoga and Rhodiola

I did yoga today! Hurray! Not like really hard workout or anything, but I actually moved my body around and stretched it out! I'm going to try it everyday! I can't wait until this over and I can really workout again and ride my bike everywhere!

Just when I think everything is awful, something changes, it could be the rhodiola.

Rhodiola Rosea- mid month 4

I am trying so hard not to be discouraged. I slept for 12 hours last night, woke up exhasted, and I feel like taking a nap right now. I have a mild dull headache and my eyes feel dry like I've been crying, even though I have not.

I bought some Rhodiola Rosea extract today at Whole Foods, its not cheap, but its pretty good. I used to take it regularly for energy and to prevent depression, of which it helped greatly with both. Hopefully it works now.

Its "only" a migraine

Today, I really thought I was loosing my mind. Coupled with the resent emotional turmoils, I thought "Oh my god! They were right, this stuff makes you crazy."

I left my house and returned to it four times this morning, locking it each time before I realized what I forgot!

But just a few hours ago in the middle of critique for one of my classes, the small dull headache blossomed into a migraine. I haven't had a migraine in a long time, which I attribute to my lack of drinking while on accutane, so this one caught me a little off guard. But I am glad its a migraine and not psychosis.

March Maddness- mid month 4

Yikes!

My mind is cycling, obsessing, worrying.

I want to force action on what I worry about, but that will only result in conflicts. I want to cling to what I think is happiness and progress, but that is unhealthy and will lead to disappointment and more suffering.

Never before have I so understood the trap of samsara. The relief is that there is no relief. There is no security. The only thing I can hope for is a deep and lasting relationship with openness.

And to try to stop making excuses. Its too easy to blame accutane.

Meloncholy Mid Month 4

Its really easy to use the accutane as an excuse.

Sure I think its making me feel bad, no doubt. But instead of using that as an excuse for acting bad, I should use it as an excuse behaving very well, very presently. My mind feels very dull, somewhat cloudy and uninterested. I will expend effort to over come this inertia.

There has been a really fine line between taking a nap because I know it will make me feel better and because I know the accutane is causing this fatigue. And taking a nap because I am lazy and don't want to deal with even the things that normally interest me.

Feeling Better (early month 4)

Ever since the last of my old skin fell off and was left with this feeling of all new skin, the rest of me has been feeling better too.

Maybe my body has kinda adjusted to this. Or maybe the continued and consistent side effects has made me less sensitive.

Still I can't wait for it to be over

New Skin! {early month 4}

Today is an encouraging day. Today is the day my skin feels new.

When I started treatment, Julia said not to do anything to my skin I wouldn't do to a newborn. She basically said that Accutane was going to give me new skin, and today it feels like that. The skin on my face and the back of my hands feel especially new. Its amazing. Its amazing that I noticed it just like that, in one day.

There are still marks, scars, and skin discoloration but I treat that with bleaching cream prescribed to me. Not something I'd put on a newborn, but Julia said it was ok.

Frustrated- beginning of 4th month

This weekend I had some emotional break downs. I succumbed to feeling ok and getting lazy with action.

For a while I was feeling optimistic with only 2 months to go, past the 1/2 way mark! But this weekend I was like, "How can I do this for another 2 months?"

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of condoms. I'm tired of my skin hurting, and not wanting to shower. And why am I having pimples now, when I didn't earlier in the treatment.

Defeated Day, Month 3 Begins

Wow what a day. I can not shake this feeling of defeat both emotionally and physically. It seems to radiate out from my lungs then sticks in my thighs and knees. It feels like saddness and tiredness intermixed. I need to get it together for class. I wish I didn't have to work today.

I've been drinking more coffee then I usually do in an effort to cope with the fatigue, I wonder if it is back firing. I should drink more water, especially if drinking more coffee.

Hopefully the Lojong class I am taking will help. We will be practicing Tonglen tonight, which is something I should practice everday, especially during these hard days. The refresher instruction will be helpful to get that back into gear for me.

Day 3

I feel tired, and have been sleeping really well, that is all I want to do. I feel a little moody, but I don't think the fatigue or moodiness can solely be blamed on the accutane, but also on the cold, the ice, and my very own laziness.