Neutrality

Happy New Year! Sorry I’ve had such a long hiatus from writing. I would love to blame it on something like the end of the semester, the holidays, vacation, etc., but I don’t really believe it was any of those. I believe my silence is the result of and overwhelming feeling of neutrality I’ve had for a while. Its not quite a depression, but more like a type of boring contentment. I’ve had no inspiration to make work in my studio or apply for shows and its really becoming quite frustrating.

I’ve started some of what I need to do to turn this around.

1. Get back on track with meditation. I tend to loose my momentum during the holidays and while traveling, something I’m embarrassed to admit, but I am getting back on track with my at home practice, and I am signed up for the next evening class, Contentment in Everyday Life at The Shambhala Center.
2. Exercise. After our ski vacation I am really inspired to exercise outside nearly everyday even when it is cold, snowy and icy here in Chicago. I’ve been cross-country skiing once and have been urban hiking around town in my new yaktrax.
3. Reading. I’ve started to dive into my new books starting with “The Critique Handbook, A Sourcebook and Survival Guide” Which will help me lead more rigorous critiques during this next semester.
4. Going to my studio. This area still needs improvement. I just need to go there, even when there is seemingly nothing to do.
5. Remain open. It seems like I’ve been short circuiting every idea. “Oh that won’t work.” or “Thats dumb.” Almost all my work is the result of making one thing and discovering something else unexpected. Without the making part, the discover will never come.
6. Go to see art. This is also on the to-do list. I want to go to some openings and make use of my new Art Institute membership this week.
7. Be Gentle. I am also reading “Start Where You Are,” and I need to remind myself of Pema’s gentle approach constantly. Beating myself up for perceived failures will not get me anywhere. Lately, even though I’ve been accomplishing things from my to do list, I only feel like I’ve done nothing.
8. Sketchbook! Work in it. I am planning to cut out everything I found inspiring from last year’s Sculpture Magazines for my sketchbook, and review previous notes and ideas.
9. Help someone. This is something I’ve been aware of since undergrad. Somehow helping someone else really gets things going. I don’t have any art friends I can help at the moment, but I will be helping my neighbor design some storage solutions for her condo.

Hope your new year is of to a more inspired start.

Art, Teaching and Meditation

I wrote an essay for Chicago Artist’s Resource on the relationship of art, teaching and meditation in my life. You can read it on their site.

Meditation Retreat

I recently attended my first ever week long meditation retreat at The Atlanta Shambhala Center. This week long retreat was an Art Weekthun. Weekthun is a week long program based on the traditional Tibetan month long retreat Dathun. The art part of this meditation retreat was not the reason I choose this Weekthun over the others being offered this summer, I choose this one because of scheduling between my husband and I and because we could drive there. However this program was really perfect for me in all my practices, meditation, teaching and making.

The Atlanta Shambhala Center which hosted this Art Weekthun was so much more beautiful, grand, comprehensive and impressive then I could have ever expected. Their center and facilities are so wonderful, they are now being called an Urban Land Center. In about the past seven years they bought wonderful land with two buildings on it, built a large and beautiful new meditation hall, and acquired a guest house. I could not recommend doing a program there enough. I had such a great time, they are so friendly and wonderful it was just great.

The Art Weekthun was an interesting program consisting mostly of sitting meditation, but also interlaced with different art practices meant to be executed as a continuation of meditation practice. This was my first exposure to Dharma Arts. I found the form and the approach to be a great way to remind me of how my own art practice is a type of meditation practice. Getting into the “zone” or “flow” is the basic joy of making. The Dharma Arts we practiced there are like a direct connect to that place.

The Dharma Arts approach, for me, was at first too simple, but as I stayed with it, rather then being a know-it-all in my mind, I realized that within this simple approach was some of what I’ve been missing in my teaching. I needed to see and do very simple exercises to realize how I could connect and engage my students more. This lead to a conversation with Lance Brunner about my interest in mindfulness or contemplative practice in higher education. More on this later....

Equally important was the sitting meditation. I really felt my practice deepen. I really began to see the gears of my mind, and my ego’s agenda. There were wonderful moments of understanding. I can’t wait to do another Weekthun, hopefully soon or maybe a Dathun.

This blog seems so short and inadequate compared to my experience there. I know that it will offer me more to learn as time passes.

art weekthun at atlanta shambhala center 2009

Fungi @ Atlanta Shambhala Center

Science, Buddhism and Art

On April 10, 11, and 12 I took a course at The Shambhala Meditation Center in Chicago titled Consciousness, Compassion, and Transcendence which was taught by Jeremy Hayward. I was inspired by his first talk on Friday night when he talked about the principles that Buddhism and Science have in common, I thought these principles also applied to art. This blog entry is structured based on his talk and his comments on science and Buddhism. I’ve added my thoughts on art to each of his points.

Science, Buddhism and Art are based in questioning. They are based in a longing which is fundamental in humanity. This longing seeks the truth, but these three disciplines look for the truth in different yet complimentary ways. They have the following in common:

Art, Science and Buddhism are:

based on experiment not faith.

In science the hypothesis and experiment are fundamental. In Buddhism the practitioner learns by trying and doing and is not expected to believe anything that he or she cannot experience. In both of these practices dogmatism is out of place, but it is unfortunately often present in science and occasionally Buddhism.

In the case of art, experiment and faith converge. The artist is like a scientist performing experiments without a hypothesis. The studio is like a crazy lab or strange and wonderful manifestation of these experiments. The artist also has faith in his or herself. Her ability to know without knowing, from an intuitive place, which of the experiments are a true expression is essential. Not all experiments should make it out of the studio. Only some of the experiments create their own momentum within the studio and begin to drive the sequential experiments. This making is genuine. This is making without knowing. Once the artist sees what the outcome will be, the rest of the process is labor, just work to complete the piece.

Dogma also has no place in art. The “what is and isn’t art” argument should by now have reached the end of its rope. On the other hand art is not nihilistic. Art is not anything, but anything can become art.

aware of a disharmony between appearance and reality.

Science and Buddhism are both seeking a truth that is obscured by our limited faculties. The scientist is looking for fundamental principles and building blocks of the universe. The meditation practitioner is using meditation to experience without the duality of self and other prevalent in our consciousness.

The artist is also confronted by and confronting this disharmony. It is apparent when a student is learning to draw from observation like in my class at Wright College. The mind obscures what we see with assumptions and language, which is an obstacle to true observation. I see teaching students to draw from observation as a task of unlearning and letting go.

Artists are free to explore and manipulate the disharmony between appearance and reality. Artists include interpretive, emotional, and chaotic elements in their work to express a personal reality often clouded by disharmony. The disharmony between appearance and reality can be used a life long muse for artists inspiring works that are personally expressive and yet collectively appreciated.

recognizing the problem of the observer.

Scientists know that they as the experimenter are effecting the experiment and try to eliminate themselves from the experiment. Buddhists experiment on themselves, and know that the human mind is non-dualistic in nature, but that it expresses itself as dualistic in most situations, which creates an observer experience.

Artists are constantly working with and against the observer. I my own practice I’ve struggled with and have now come to rest in a confident place with the observer. In the past varied contrived observers would manifest in my mind like a multiple personality disorder and judge my work as I created it in my studio. “What would my mom think of this? My grandpa? My old professor? What would my peers say about it in a critique? Will galleries like it? Will someone want to buy this? Why do people buy art?....” I think the voices have both quieted and unified into a steady confidence. This took a while to happen and grad school helped this process. I took risks in grad school and was rewarded by the outcome of each one. I also think my meditation practice has helped. Its not that the observers have gone away, they remain an important team in my making. The more I realize that my art and my making are not about me, the easier it has been to work with the observer. Without the pressure of the self and a mandate of self expression the observer and the observed can merge.

concerned with cause and effect.

Science sees cause and effect as a linear progression because science has a concept of time. Buddhists see cause and effect as a network if interrelationships (karma).

On this topic the young artist unfortunately shares more with the scientist. I remember talking to a freshman at Alfred at the end of his freshman year about his next endeavors. He was very swept up with idea of creating a “body of work,” and was setting about this task as though he was writing a history book. I recommended that he make what he want without regard for a “body of work” and let some art historian or critic figure it out and “make sense of it all.” This approach to making saddens me when the artist is not aware of what he or she is participating in. This linear approach to making is structured not for the artist but for the marketplace and collector. It makes buying this artist’s work seem like they are buying into a greater plan, something that has already happened which mimics the post-mortum sale of an artist’s work. This also helps the galleries sell the work because it mimics selling a brand, not something messy and unpredictable like art. I think this type of making and buying is not genuine and is based on a construct that is not only out dated, but probably was never beneficial to either party. This linear construct of making and selling work implies that the artist is too wild and should be corralled and that collector is unable to buy what he or she likes.

Making should be open. The work of an artist will inevitably create some kind of body of work which will be deeper and more enriched without the addition of a linear construct. During my graduate studies I had to present my work in a one hour slide talk. Preparing for this talk was the first time I ever saw all my work together on a large light box. As I moved the work around I realized I had to begin my talk with work I did during high school because it was still relevant conceptually to the work I was pursuing in grad school, and is even still relevant now. This was a wonderful discovery, not a plan. The work should always be about discovery both for the maker and the viewer.

improving the human condition.

Buddhism is really driven by this. First you start with improving yourself, but your motivation is to get it together so you can help others. Science helps humanity, but only incidentally, its main focus is on phenomena, and if this results in atomic bombs or revolutionary medicine, the motivation was the same.

Talking about art improving the human condition is complex for me. Art as it is now, sequestered to its museums and galleries is hard to see has helping humanity. I say this as a “fine artist” working within the system of galleries and museums. This sequestered world is my world, for better or worse. However, I suggest that art does improve the human condition. The experience of the viewer, unaltered the dogma of history or criticism can be a genuine in the moment experience. Many viewers are separated from this experience because of the museum or gallery experience. They don’t feel they have the authority to view and experience the art on their own terms, but when they can be reunited with their own curiosity the viewing experience can be wonderful.

Creatively Stuck

During and after my latest exhibit I experienced a familiar decline in creative production. It took exhibiting a few times after graduate school to catch on to this now reoccurring trend. Even though I now come to expect a decline in creativity during and after an exhibit, it can still be frustrating. I used this time to reflect on this experience and other times in which I had lost the impulse to make. In my experience, getting stuck can be caused by a variety of reasons, but, I’ve narrowed it down to four major causes that affect me.

Causes of getting stuck:

Too much time: I make more and I am generally more creative when I am very busy. Recently, being hit by two spring breaks (from the two different schools I teach at) has not put a boost into my making but as rather taken a big chunk out of it.

Completing a big project: There’s so much energy going into the project, that once its completed there is a deflated feeling. What will I work on next?

Melancholy: In spite of what my husband may say, it happens to us all. It could be the weather, or too much partying, or a legitimate depression. Sooner or later the blues will get you, and keep you feeling heavy and unmotivated.

Uninspired: Being uninspired is a little like the chicken and the egg. If its not caused by melancholy, it will certainly cause it. Occasionally, I just don’t have any ideas.

I feel that within these obstacles are opportunities. Here are the solutions I try to implement after I have the awareness to realize that my art practice has slowed or stopped. Sometimes it takes a while to even realize that I’ve spent eight hours this week watching The Wire on DVD, not only because its gripping and addictive, but because I might be avoiding an obstacle. So after the light of awareness hits me, I try some of these transformations.

Problem: Too much time

Solutions:

The List:
Make lists. Make long term to do lists, but most importantly, make a list of accomplish-able tasks for the next day. Be sure to vary tasks, from the household, to the studio, to the recreational. Don’t try to punish yourself or make up for lost time by suddenly putting in 10 hours at the studio after a hiatus.

Volunteer:
Volunteer your time so you are more busy. Volunteer with an organization or just help your friend out with moving. Get out there and be helpful. You’ll feel great and productive and you’ll want to get back to work.

Get outside:
Just do something. Go to museums, galleries, socialize anything. Get out of your house. Break your routine.

Take a class/Join a club:
Meet new people, learn new things. Do something that seems totally non-art related.

Problem: Completed a big project

Solutions:

Give yourself a break (if you deserve it):
If you just completed a major show or a major project. Relax. There is generally a feeling of exhaustion from all the work or a post partum like depression. Give yourself some time to transition to the next project.

Catch up on the computer stuff:
Update your email list, and website. Do the clerical stuff you don’t have time for when you’re jammin in your studio.

Network:
Use your show as an opportunity to meet new people.

Look:
Look for new materials and new inspirations for your next projects.

Problem: Melancholy

Solutions:

Do Nothing:
No matter what, it will eventually pass. No really, it will. Sometimes what you resist, persists.

Wallow in it:
Better yet, use it as inspiration. Make drawings or simple notations of how you feel. All of experience is source material for your work, so don’t miss out on this just because it feels crappy.

Exercise:
Put it on your list of things to do and then do it. Elevating your heart rate will elevate your whole being. You don’t have to like it, but you just might after a while.

Read:
Read those books you’ve been meaning to get around to.

Just get to work:
Go to your studio and work, even if you feel crappy.

Problem: Uninspired

Solutions:

Meditation:
Continue your meditation practice, add more time or go on a retreat. Creating space in your mind will allow the next thing to bubble up. The first entry in google when searching “creatively stuck," says “Try Sitting With The Silence.”

Repeat:
Do something repetitive at home or in your studio. Allot a certain amount of time for this repetitive action and do it for the whole time. Repeat as needed.

Be patient:
.....

Finally some closing thoughts on staying creative.

Work without a purpose.
Draw something everyday.
Write by hand everyday.

Clocking In

The new year has started off great! I'm not really that into new years resolutions because I think they are too rigid of a concept, but I have made some changes.

Michael and I are meditating together almost everyday, and we have been to the Shambhala Meditation Center two Sundays in a row. Our goal was to meditate every day in January, but we have already fallen short of that, however our goal has created some momentum that has us returning to the cushion.

I have scheduled on my google calendar to be at my studio two hours every weekday this semester. I am off to a good start. My commitment is to be there for two hour even if there is nothing to do. I have been organizing and rearranging things over there and I am really enjoying it. It feels like a new studio. Committing to be there no matter what is already rejuvenating the practice of play that has been absent from my studio for many years.

Artist as Ronin - No Self (an essay for the local Shambhala news letter)

Artist as Ronin
No Self

A contemporary artist without self is lost without a master. Modern and contemporary Western art has relied on and fallen for the personality of the artist, the moody, or drunk, or demanding, or troubled being that is the artist. The artist’s personality often drives the consumption of the artwork, and is often used to create a linear interpretation of the work, rather than allowing the viewer space to experience the work. The artist in Western traditions has been associated with a myopic often near madness that compels them to create their work without regard to others. The artist has even been see as divine.

As a contemporary artist, I might be doing it all wrong. I will wear different clothes, different masks, and perform different tasks. I am for hire. My work will change from place to place, time to time, and to suit the audience. I have no plan for my body of work or my portfolio. My vision is no vision. The more I practice meditation the further I become from fulfilling my role as artist.

Like the ronin released from their master, there is shame in my practice. A ronin is a samurai with no lord or master. After losing his master to death or ruin, a samurai was expected to commit suicide. Those who didn’t lived a drifting life and were shamed from their samurai community. My art practice fails the contemporary art community because my work becomes like a mirror, a lens, a tool, for questioning what is around me, not a driving force of self-expression. My work explores the space of the gallery and the space of the viewer’s mind. My successful work creates space, a moment, and emptiness.

But really, being without self is the challenge and this is the goal for me as a mediator and an artist. My goal is never knowing about what I’m making, but rather to be in the studio making without knowing why. To be lost in the process of materials, ideas, and impulses is the joy. My art practice and meditation practice rely on being open to whatever comes up, to having no agenda, and to recognizing the unexpected as an opportunity.

When the "Ah Ha" moment is an "Oh Duh"

Last night I had the clearest moment of realization, that in fact all of my current hardship can truly be attributed to my own actions (kharma).

Like- Duh!

Transformation

Since the New Year, I have been making many positive changes to my life. But I think the source of all this change actually came not from my free will, but because I had to stop drinking to take Accutane. Its not as though drinking were some kind of issue, but when it was absent I noticed how much a filler it can be, much like the other things I've phased out

Reductions:

• Not Drinking
  
• Quiting TV
• phasing out myspace
• checking email less

Additions:

• Revamping my studio
• Working on exciting ideas for my new show
• reading more
• going to see more art, going to museums
• collaborating with friends
  
• Volunteering and taking classes at Shambhala
  
• Re-committing to my daily meditation practice and trying to work with lojong
  
• Keeping this blog and my accutane blog
  

Without the time filler activities, I've been able to add in so many more positive activities. One down side is that the Accutane makes me feel like a lethargic arthritic old lady, so I haven't been exercising at all, and it is driving me crazy. I am looking forward to May, when my skin transformation is complete, the accutane is over, and I can maintain my new life style, but with energy.

Discursive Emails

So quiting my gmail addiction will prove to be more challenging then TV, because I do actually have to use it. Its amazing how even just cutting back just this one day has really exposed the discursive quality of my mind's attachment to it. It comes up all the time. Like *Ping* "I wonder if there's new mail?" *Ping*. Its identical to the way thoughts come up during meditation. *Ping* *Ping*

Wasted Time Wakes Up

The new year is off to a great start.

I am so busy.

After reading "The Evolving Self", I was really inspired to implement many of its ideas into my life, basically that a busy, intellectually challenged person is a happy person. Here are some of the things that I am doing to stay not just busy, but engaged in things that I are inspiring, challenging, and that I like to do.

- I am teaching three classes at two different schools. I am teaching two sections of Sculpture 1 at Loyola again this semester, and I am up grading some of the tools in the shop there too. I am teaching for the first time, General Drawing at Wright College, one of The Chicago City Colleges. Teaching at a new school has many obstacles of getting oriented, and teaching a new class has many curriculum needs. I have to build the whole class in a way that makes sense to me so that it will make sense to the students. I am reading "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain", as a refresher. I also, for the first time, I ordered a free desk copy of a book recommended by a colleague. As a teacher I can request relevant texts for free from the publisher to review as optional text to offer in my courses. The book I ordered is "Drawing, A Contemporary Approach."

So I am technically teaching full time. Its been a long time now since I worked full time. And balancing all the different needs of different classes and institutions offers its own challenges.

- I bought a new sketchbook. 8x11", hardcover black. I love the bigger size. I had been using the trendy moleskin model, but it really doesn't work for me. I need a bigger book to paste things into. This alone has radically awakened some sleeping creativity.

- I started building the walls at my studio. I took this long weekend to get the project underway, and thanks to Michael's help I am more then 1/2 way there! These walls are going to help me so much, return to the installation practice that is really the foundation of my work and thinking.

- I am reading a really inspiring book, "Buddha Mind in Contemporary Art"

- I am watching almost no TV, and no network TV.

- Michael and I are following our New Years resolution to cook new recipes together at least once a week.

- I am meditating everyday, and meeting with my meditation instructor regularly. Meditation is not only good for me in terms of my mood or disposition, but it also leaves my mind loose, ply able and open. The fertile ground for new problems to be come new art.

So even though work is at times over whelming, I am trying to maintain time for my art and research, as well as a small social life, and a pleasant marriage. Balancing these things has been wonderful so far.

Much to do about nothing

For the next two days, I will be meditating all day at The Shambhala Meditation Center's City Meditation Retreat. Even though I can not participate for the whole week, I am looking forward to the challenge of the next two day, starting today.

My work used Buddhist concepts, before I knew what they were. People would say my work looked zen, and I would think "Hmm, I better look into this zen thing." So my meditation practice is separate from, but informative to my artistic practice. I started meditating for my mental health, but have since then starting making work about meditating.