Demoted/Downsized

Recently, an employer of mine dramatically reduced my appointments and consequently my pay. This sadden me since I thought of this as may main employment, it not only provided me with the lions share of my income, but it was also a stimulating appointment for me and my students. I felt very invested in the program even though I was only part time. Since this reduction, my responsibilities have been ambiguous and greater then my remaining appointment would indicate. In short I have been demoted/downsized. In this economy many people are doing more work for less money, and are glad to be doing it, but it is frustrating and stings in very real and human ways, and is probably an excellent moment for practice.

Things I am not doing:

• Recognizing the impermanence of everything, but namely jobs and associated responsibilities, or even that this demotion could be impermanent.
• Recognizing that I have no self, and clinging to any identity (even one associated with employment) will bring suffering.
• Recognizing habitual behavior as the creator of cocoons and other restrictive protective devises of the mind.
• Answering the question my dad asked himself when he was demoted late in his career.

“If I didn’t have this job, and someone offered me this job, would I take it?”

This question is like a reset button. It is precise. It elegantly releases the past from dictating the future and brings the situation into the present moment. It reminds me that everyday is a new job and every moment is filled with the unexpected.

Hopefully soon, by applying effort, I will be doing the above.

Creatively Stuck

During and after my latest exhibit I experienced a familiar decline in creative production. It took exhibiting a few times after graduate school to catch on to this now reoccurring trend. Even though I now come to expect a decline in creativity during and after an exhibit, it can still be frustrating. I used this time to reflect on this experience and other times in which I had lost the impulse to make. In my experience, getting stuck can be caused by a variety of reasons, but, I’ve narrowed it down to four major causes that affect me.

Causes of getting stuck:

Too much time: I make more and I am generally more creative when I am very busy. Recently, being hit by two spring breaks (from the two different schools I teach at) has not put a boost into my making but as rather taken a big chunk out of it.

Completing a big project: There’s so much energy going into the project, that once its completed there is a deflated feeling. What will I work on next?

Melancholy: In spite of what my husband may say, it happens to us all. It could be the weather, or too much partying, or a legitimate depression. Sooner or later the blues will get you, and keep you feeling heavy and unmotivated.

Uninspired: Being uninspired is a little like the chicken and the egg. If its not caused by melancholy, it will certainly cause it. Occasionally, I just don’t have any ideas.

I feel that within these obstacles are opportunities. Here are the solutions I try to implement after I have the awareness to realize that my art practice has slowed or stopped. Sometimes it takes a while to even realize that I’ve spent eight hours this week watching The Wire on DVD, not only because its gripping and addictive, but because I might be avoiding an obstacle. So after the light of awareness hits me, I try some of these transformations.

Problem: Too much time

Solutions:

The List:
Make lists. Make long term to do lists, but most importantly, make a list of accomplish-able tasks for the next day. Be sure to vary tasks, from the household, to the studio, to the recreational. Don’t try to punish yourself or make up for lost time by suddenly putting in 10 hours at the studio after a hiatus.

Volunteer:
Volunteer your time so you are more busy. Volunteer with an organization or just help your friend out with moving. Get out there and be helpful. You’ll feel great and productive and you’ll want to get back to work.

Get outside:
Just do something. Go to museums, galleries, socialize anything. Get out of your house. Break your routine.

Take a class/Join a club:
Meet new people, learn new things. Do something that seems totally non-art related.

Problem: Completed a big project

Solutions:

Give yourself a break (if you deserve it):
If you just completed a major show or a major project. Relax. There is generally a feeling of exhaustion from all the work or a post partum like depression. Give yourself some time to transition to the next project.

Catch up on the computer stuff:
Update your email list, and website. Do the clerical stuff you don’t have time for when you’re jammin in your studio.

Network:
Use your show as an opportunity to meet new people.

Look:
Look for new materials and new inspirations for your next projects.

Problem: Melancholy

Solutions:

Do Nothing:
No matter what, it will eventually pass. No really, it will. Sometimes what you resist, persists.

Wallow in it:
Better yet, use it as inspiration. Make drawings or simple notations of how you feel. All of experience is source material for your work, so don’t miss out on this just because it feels crappy.

Exercise:
Put it on your list of things to do and then do it. Elevating your heart rate will elevate your whole being. You don’t have to like it, but you just might after a while.

Read:
Read those books you’ve been meaning to get around to.

Just get to work:
Go to your studio and work, even if you feel crappy.

Problem: Uninspired

Solutions:

Meditation:
Continue your meditation practice, add more time or go on a retreat. Creating space in your mind will allow the next thing to bubble up. The first entry in google when searching “creatively stuck," says “Try Sitting With The Silence.”

Repeat:
Do something repetitive at home or in your studio. Allot a certain amount of time for this repetitive action and do it for the whole time. Repeat as needed.

Be patient:
.....

Finally some closing thoughts on staying creative.

Work without a purpose.
Draw something everyday.
Write by hand everyday.

Clocking In

The new year has started off great! I'm not really that into new years resolutions because I think they are too rigid of a concept, but I have made some changes.

Michael and I are meditating together almost everyday, and we have been to the Shambhala Meditation Center two Sundays in a row. Our goal was to meditate every day in January, but we have already fallen short of that, however our goal has created some momentum that has us returning to the cushion.

I have scheduled on my google calendar to be at my studio two hours every weekday this semester. I am off to a good start. My commitment is to be there for two hour even if there is nothing to do. I have been organizing and rearranging things over there and I am really enjoying it. It feels like a new studio. Committing to be there no matter what is already rejuvenating the practice of play that has been absent from my studio for many years.

My Last Day

So to day is my last day of my summer job, which has been a real roller coaster, with occasional ups and lots of downs.

When I opened my email this morning I had the most appropriate lojong in my in box, ever! It was delightful and made me laugh. Thanks ancient Buddhists! (get a lojong saying every day via: http://lojongmindtraining.com/default.aspx)

Below are three interprtations and translations of the saying in chronological order.

Don't Expect Thanks

Don't hope that others will express their gratitude in words of thanks for your own practice of dharma, your helping others, or your practicing virtue. In a word, get rid of any expectation of fame or prestige.

All these points of advice are means that will strengthen mind training and prevent it from weakening. In summary, Gyal-se Rinpoche said:

Throughout our lives we should train well in the two kinds of bodhicitta, using both meditation and postmeditation practices, and acquire the confidence of proficiency.

Make an effort to follow this instruction.

From The Great Path of Awakening : An Easily Accessible Introduction for Ordinary People by Jamgon Kongtrul, translated by Ken McLeod. Copyright 1993 by Ken McLeod.
Published by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc., Boston.

Don't Expect Applause

Don't expect others to praise you or raise toasts to you. Don't count on receiving credit for your good deeds or good practice.

From Training the Mind & Cultivating Loving-Kindness by Chogyam Trungpa , copyright 1993 by Diana Mukpo.
(Official Chogyam Trungpa Website)
Published by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc., Boston.

Don't Expect Applause

The next slogan is "Don't expect applause," which means "Don't expect thanks." This is important. When you open the door and invite all sentient beings as your guests, and not only that, but you also open the windows, and the walls even start falling down, you find yourself in the universe with no protection at all. Now you're in for it. If you think that just by doing that you are going to feel good about yourself, and you are going to be thanked right and left- no, that won't happen. More than to expect thanks, it would be helpful just to expect the unexpected; then you might be curious and inquisitive about what comes in the door. We can begin to open our hearts to others when we have no hope of getting anything back. We just do it for its own sake. On the other hand, it's good to express our gratitude to others. It's helpful to express our appreciation of others. But if we do that with the motivation of wanting them to like us, we can remember this slogan. We can thank others, but we should give up all hope of getting thanked back. Simply keep the door open without expectations.

From Start Where You Are : A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron, Copyright 1994, Shambhala Publications.
Published by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc., Boston.

Glimpsing Center, Again.

This job this summer has tried me in almost every possible way: long hours, big disappointments, lack of control over the final product, difficult people, and self doubt. I constantly feel inadequate and like I am a disappointment to my employer archi-treasures. I don't sleep well, I am constantly worried.

My meditation practice has lapsed for up to a couple days at a time and my alcohol consumption has increased in a predictably stressful and summer way. These two things are not good for me.

But today I had a glimpse of the center I once knew.

"I can only do this job as well as I can. Any body's disappointment or agendas belong to them not me."

Walking

Today turned out great. I walked to my studio in what was unexpectedly a hot and humid afternoon for a studio visit with the director of minidutch. Lucia Fabio is really awesome, and I am looking forward to working with her for this future show there. I will be pursuing a new method of working and using up all the old supplies in my studio. Old meets new, its gonna be great, and great fun.

After we ate at The Grind, I went back to my studio to continue to work on the self portrait for the show at Northeastern, and I think its coming along great.

I am starting to believe that I may actually get my idea across. I want this piece to be about self examination. But also I want it to be about the imperfect. Some how I want the viewer to appreciate that creating something like a portrait bust comes from destroying concepts and really seeing. That even in the making process, there is a constant ebb and flow building up and tearing down: correcting. I love making this thing. I love having my mind so completely engrossed and yet so open and free. Some how I am really excited. I love that this very old fashioned discipline, the discipline I abandoned in undergrad is now really an exciting punch line to this project. I am so excited that I think I might be using a traditional craft conceptually. I just need the right title.After I worked to this point, I quit and walked home through the cool and rainy evening.

Try Try Again

I am working on the last piece for my show this summer, White Moment.

My first idea for this was to have two casts of my head, made to look like the buddha heads, looking at each other. I want this piece to have a real self contemplation quality. Well after I asked two people to help me out by casting my head, and after I sat twice to have my face and head covered in plaster gauze, and I assembled them, I realized I didn't like them. They didn't really look like each other!

So then I thought I will use one of them, and have it looking into a mirror. But the problem with that is that the plaster cast doesn't have eyes.


Which reminds me the before I moved onto this step I bought and tried to install glass eyes into the plaster head because this piece is so much about looking, but they turned out SO freaky!

So now I am on the fourth try. I am literally sculpting my self portrait in clay. I must say its really not going well, but I've only worked on it for like 6 hours so far. I once made a really stunning life like portrait bust of a model, but working on myself is much more challenging. I am using the plaster cast heads for help, but for example, while working on the eyes, I need to take off my glasses and look in a mirror, but then I can't see so well.

So I'm hoping that even if this doesn't turn out very well technically and perfectly life like, that this process of looking and examination just to make the piece will come across conceptually. The sculpted head will be cast in white bees wax and be looking into a mirror.

My New Circular Saw

I bought a new circular saw today at Home Depot on Addison.

As I approached the mini van with my big orange cart of MDF, PVC male adaptors, other miscellaneous stuff and my new Milwaukee circular saw, I noticed a small man come out from behind the red big construction van parked next to my car. Since the housing market has crashed, men are looking for work in the Home Depot parking lots. Sometimes they want to help load stuff into your car. As I see this small man in a brown Carhartt-esque coat from the corner of my eye, I feel the hairs on the back of my neck spike up like a cat's. I am really aware of my new saw on my flat bed cart.

I turned from the cart for a moment, and he went for it! Immediately I am shouting "NO!" as I take it from his hand. He seems to motion he would put it in my car. I say, "NO!" repeatedly, and make a swiping motion with my hand. He still tries for ten foot peices if 1/2 inch PVC pipe on my cart, and again, "NO!" He finally backs away to stand by the back of the red van, right next to me. He doesn't look offended, and he doesn't defend himself. His face shows no emotion at all.

As I get into my car the adrenaline is pumping through my blood. I feel bad for him, that he probably is just looking for work, but I also feel like when I back out he'll try to car-jack me. I think about storming into Home Depot to complain, but I am worried about leaving my car now that he knows what is inside. I think about calling the police. Then I think both of these ideas are going over board. I wait till some one is near and back out. Its the owner of the red van. As I pull away I see them talking. The man was probably waiting next to the obviously best option for work- the construction van, and saw me when I approached.

Driving to my studio, my resolve of knowing that I handled the situation in the best and most effective way I could have, mixed with the probable reality of a man out of work and who has become used to being yelled at when offering help. The entire situation is upsetting. But the mixing of compassion with self defense in the aftermath felt like shaking oil and vinegar dressing, they mix only with vigorous effort and only temporarily.