35 days left-blood test-absorption

I went for my blood test at the end of my 5th month today. I am going to take an additional month of accutane, 6 months total. I feel pretty down in the dumps about it. Although I know its what I should do since I've continued to get some cysts, but I'm not optimistic that this additional month will cure me so that I don't need a second treatment. I guess I just hope that it delays a second treatment.

For the past couple weeks, I've been taking my accutane with oil, which helps with its absorption, which I just learned. I am having a resurgence of side effects. I feel so tired, achy, and kinda down in the dumps. I am going to take a nap today, which I haven't needed for over a month.

Looking back on my treatment, this has been really hard. I think while it was happening, I didn't really appreciate how bad it was making me feel, especially emotionally. Looking back at the winter, I'm surprised it went as well as it did. I guess I'm lucky.

It feels really hard to generate the energy and motivation to get through this last month.

Rhodiola Rosea- mid month 4

I am trying so hard not to be discouraged. I slept for 12 hours last night, woke up exhasted, and I feel like taking a nap right now. I have a mild dull headache and my eyes feel dry like I've been crying, even though I have not.

I bought some Rhodiola Rosea extract today at Whole Foods, its not cheap, but its pretty good. I used to take it regularly for energy and to prevent depression, of which it helped greatly with both. Hopefully it works now.

March Maddness- mid month 4

Yikes!

My mind is cycling, obsessing, worrying.

I want to force action on what I worry about, but that will only result in conflicts. I want to cling to what I think is happiness and progress, but that is unhealthy and will lead to disappointment and more suffering.

Never before have I so understood the trap of samsara. The relief is that there is no relief. There is no security. The only thing I can hope for is a deep and lasting relationship with openness.

And to try to stop making excuses. Its too easy to blame accutane.

Frustrated- beginning of 4th month

This weekend I had some emotional break downs. I succumbed to feeling ok and getting lazy with action.

For a while I was feeling optimistic with only 2 months to go, past the 1/2 way mark! But this weekend I was like, "How can I do this for another 2 months?"

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of condoms. I'm tired of my skin hurting, and not wanting to shower. And why am I having pimples now, when I didn't earlier in the treatment.

Defeated Day, Month 3 Begins

Wow what a day. I can not shake this feeling of defeat both emotionally and physically. It seems to radiate out from my lungs then sticks in my thighs and knees. It feels like saddness and tiredness intermixed. I need to get it together for class. I wish I didn't have to work today.

I've been drinking more coffee then I usually do in an effort to cope with the fatigue, I wonder if it is back firing. I should drink more water, especially if drinking more coffee.

Hopefully the Lojong class I am taking will help. We will be practicing Tonglen tonight, which is something I should practice everday, especially during these hard days. The refresher instruction will be helpful to get that back into gear for me.

Month 2

Month 2 begins tonight and I am jumping from 20mg twice a day to 40mg twice a day, which is based on body weight. Apparently my doctor was giving me a warm up dose. Although I was bitching and moaning for a stronger dose, I must say now that it is here, I am worried.

I have been feeling a little weepy lately.

I should not indulge in worry, but use the weepiness to alert awareness. I need to be in control of any depression potential, I need this medicine to work.