Demoted/Downsized

Recently, an employer of mine dramatically reduced my appointments and consequently my pay. This sadden me since I thought of this as may main employment, it not only provided me with the lions share of my income, but it was also a stimulating appointment for me and my students. I felt very invested in the program even though I was only part time. Since this reduction, my responsibilities have been ambiguous and greater then my remaining appointment would indicate. In short I have been demoted/downsized. In this economy many people are doing more work for less money, and are glad to be doing it, but it is frustrating and stings in very real and human ways, and is probably an excellent moment for practice.

Things I am not doing:

• Recognizing the impermanence of everything, but namely jobs and associated responsibilities, or even that this demotion could be impermanent.
• Recognizing that I have no self, and clinging to any identity (even one associated with employment) will bring suffering.
• Recognizing habitual behavior as the creator of cocoons and other restrictive protective devises of the mind.
• Answering the question my dad asked himself when he was demoted late in his career.

“If I didn’t have this job, and someone offered me this job, would I take it?”

This question is like a reset button. It is precise. It elegantly releases the past from dictating the future and brings the situation into the present moment. It reminds me that everyday is a new job and every moment is filled with the unexpected.

Hopefully soon, by applying effort, I will be doing the above.

Hyphenated-Time-Waster

Michael and I finally replaced our "dorm room" TV. You know the kind with the VCR in it. Well we bought this fancy pants flat screen TV in part because I could no longer read the subtitles on our old TV. Or at least that's why we finally made the move. I figured this new TV would be great for watching movies, but it is totally destroying my hiatus from TV.

First of all high definition is way better then I thought it would be. It not only looks awesome, but many of the standard channels offer addition channels via the new hyphenated channel system, which is weird but awesome. Our local public station, WTTW, offers three more channels, and two of them are in English! In addition to WTTW (11-2), there is WTTW Create (11-3), which shows tons of awesome cooking shows, This Old House, Ask This Old House and Bob Ross, and the best is WTTWD (11-1), the D stands for digital. To sum up this "new" PBS station its like, to exaggerate, every time I turn it on there is a scene of zooming through the Grand Canyon, or like an awesome scene of wild life in their habitat all in High Def! This channel alone is responsible for the loss of countless hours, which I've excused by saying that its educational.

This new TV also entertains our Little Kitty, who just started watching TV for the first time. You can guess she really likes WTTWD when the animals are on, but she'll watch people too. Its weird.

I can only hope that the end of this novelty in partnership with learning when the awesome nature shows are on in high def will help me return to my more disciplined use of the TV.

When the "Ah Ha" moment is an "Oh Duh"

Last night I had the clearest moment of realization, that in fact all of my current hardship can truly be attributed to my own actions (kharma).

Like- Duh!

Transformation

Since the New Year, I have been making many positive changes to my life. But I think the source of all this change actually came not from my free will, but because I had to stop drinking to take Accutane. Its not as though drinking were some kind of issue, but when it was absent I noticed how much a filler it can be, much like the other things I've phased out

Reductions:

• Not Drinking
  
• Quiting TV
• phasing out myspace
• checking email less

Additions:

• Revamping my studio
• Working on exciting ideas for my new show
• reading more
• going to see more art, going to museums
• collaborating with friends
  
• Volunteering and taking classes at Shambhala
  
• Re-committing to my daily meditation practice and trying to work with lojong
  
• Keeping this blog and my accutane blog
  

Without the time filler activities, I've been able to add in so many more positive activities. One down side is that the Accutane makes me feel like a lethargic arthritic old lady, so I haven't been exercising at all, and it is driving me crazy. I am looking forward to May, when my skin transformation is complete, the accutane is over, and I can maintain my new life style, but with energy.

Effortlessness

It seems that many things like my art and teaching come together with what seems to be such relative ease, that I struggle to impose more effort. I feel that if I could or would "work harder" at it, it would be some how be better, recognized, and the big show that solves all the problems would be the next show.

But in fact it is from a place of ease created by confidence in my experience that things fall into place. It is the gasping and guessing that create the stress of doubt.

The Evolving Self

I have finally finished The Evolving Self by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I loved it! It is evangelical science. Its thesis is that our genetically programmed responses to desire leisure, and ease are not actually the sources of pleasure and are in fact sources of individual discontent as well as detrimental to the environment, society and the world. His solution is to work towards complexity at every choice, by choosing options that are and offer diversity and integration in all aspects of life. And that by choosing complex and rewarding options for our personal lives we have the opportunity to create harmony around us.

He suggests that evolution for the next millennium will be a conscientious choice, not an impulse of instinct.

I am very interested in his idea at the end of the book in creating "evolutionary cells," groups that are interested in researching, collaborating, and acting in complex, diverse and integrated ways. Anyone interested?