March Maddness- mid month 4

Yikes!

My mind is cycling, obsessing, worrying.

I want to force action on what I worry about, but that will only result in conflicts. I want to cling to what I think is happiness and progress, but that is unhealthy and will lead to disappointment and more suffering.

Never before have I so understood the trap of samsara. The relief is that there is no relief. There is no security. The only thing I can hope for is a deep and lasting relationship with openness.

And to try to stop making excuses. Its too easy to blame accutane.

Meloncholy Mid Month 4

Its really easy to use the accutane as an excuse.

Sure I think its making me feel bad, no doubt. But instead of using that as an excuse for acting bad, I should use it as an excuse behaving very well, very presently. My mind feels very dull, somewhat cloudy and uninterested. I will expend effort to over come this inertia.

There has been a really fine line between taking a nap because I know it will make me feel better and because I know the accutane is causing this fatigue. And taking a nap because I am lazy and don't want to deal with even the things that normally interest me.

Feeling Better (early month 4)

Ever since the last of my old skin fell off and was left with this feeling of all new skin, the rest of me has been feeling better too.

Maybe my body has kinda adjusted to this. Or maybe the continued and consistent side effects has made me less sensitive.

Still I can't wait for it to be over

New Skin! {early month 4}

Today is an encouraging day. Today is the day my skin feels new.

When I started treatment, Julia said not to do anything to my skin I wouldn't do to a newborn. She basically said that Accutane was going to give me new skin, and today it feels like that. The skin on my face and the back of my hands feel especially new. Its amazing. Its amazing that I noticed it just like that, in one day.

There are still marks, scars, and skin discoloration but I treat that with bleaching cream prescribed to me. Not something I'd put on a newborn, but Julia said it was ok.

just trying to keep it together

I have been struggling on and off with constipation during this treatment, and doing my best to drink lots of water. But it has now caused an injury. I will be adding a daily stool softener and fiber supplement, and just hoping my body can keep it together for another 2 months.

Frustrated- beginning of 4th month

This weekend I had some emotional break downs. I succumbed to feeling ok and getting lazy with action.

For a while I was feeling optimistic with only 2 months to go, past the 1/2 way mark! But this weekend I was like, "How can I do this for another 2 months?"

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of condoms. I'm tired of my skin hurting, and not wanting to shower. And why am I having pimples now, when I didn't earlier in the treatment.

Don't call it a come back! (please) end of month 3

In the past two weeks I've been getting some pimples, one cyst, and it seems like the blackheads are budding. Whats going on?! Are they figuring out how to survive in this harsh accutane tundra, or is this the last of the stuff hiding deep below?

I have been feeling somewhat better in the past couple weeks too. Not like I am going to ride my bike to work, like I so desperately want, but not like I feel like I'm falling apart. Maybe I had an actual cold before.

4th Blood Test

I had my 4th blood test today, without a hitch.

I feel more tired then ever. Am I actually sick, or is this just a side effect? I have congestion in my ears and nose, but not too much, and of course my body feels achy, but it has for over a month.

My doctor said I could reduce my dose, 2 one day, 1 the next day, etc., but that will add more time to my treatment. Hopefully this is actually a cold, and I will feel better soon.